Someday You Will Be Loved
by katklaws
Summary: Edward has left Bella and torn a gaping hole out of her heart, but Edward barely exists as well. What is he hoping, as they both exist in agony? What is he thinking, as he is about to die? 'Songfic to Someday You Will Be Loved by Cute Is What We Aim For'


My first Twilight fic- and it's a songfic! . Oh well, I had to do this sooner or later. Please enjoy- and review! Yes, lots and lots of reviews. I want Edward to shatter windows for me. You'll get it after you read this! Sorry it's so long but that just kinda happened... It's from **Edward's POV** btw. So, um enjoy!

**

* * *

Someday, You Will Be Loved **

_I once knew a girl  
In the years of my youth  
With eyes like the summer  
All beauty and truth  
In the morning I fled  
Left a note and it read-  
Someday you will be loved._

My mind is not like that of humans and I know it can be hard for them to understand. My life could be in immediate danger and I will still be thinking about the beauty of the colors and sounds around, the flash of light against my enemy's eyes, the feel of earth beneath my feet. When I was with... her, I would always be thinking the color of her eyes, the sound of her heart so close, the feel of her hot skin under my hands, and no matter how hard I try she will be there forever, always on the tracks of my mind, always there, always consuming.

_I cannot pretend that I felt any regret  
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend  
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread  
Someday you will be loved_

Knowing she is alive is my only reason for living. Being in the world she exists in is the most important thing. The moment she leaves, I won't be far behind.

That was what I was thinking when I decided to break her heart. I never deserved such a creature, when, even as I treasured everything she was, I envisioned draining her life away under my very teeth. She always told me how she adored me, how much she'd love me for forever. What have I ever done to deserve the devotion of the only person in the world who matters? I love my family, and I have a certain affection for some humans, but B- her...

I could have killed her. I could have been the monster I am inside and she would probably still have loved me to the very end, even as her life flickered into nothing.

I didn't deserve her.

So I left, and in the name of saving her life, I regret nothing.

_You'll be loved, you'll be loved  
Like you never have known  
The memories of me  
Will seem more like bad dreams  
Just a series of blurs  
Like I never occurred  
Someday you will be loved_

And as my mind is plagued by the perfect memory of her face that will never compare to who she really is, and by the fact that I will not be with or even near her ever again, lest I break and beg her to let me come back, another image festers in my mind.

As I told her goodbye with the coldest of words, I had prepared myself for her denial, anticipated it, even hoped for it. Maybe she'd have held me and never let go, begged and begged to admit I was lying, and my will would've caved...

But as my words sank in, there was a look of confirmed fear on her face, deep, deep in her eyes, and every track of thought in my mind screamed to comfort her. That was all it had taken- one moment of lying and she'd just let me go.

Why?

Immediately, despite her reaction, my fears whispered from the depths of my unbeating heart, my doubts that will never die.

Maybe she'd never loved me, and now she was letting me go because she didn't want me near. Maybe that was how she'd always felt, even as she whispered love to me in the middle of the night. That was what I should've been allotted, momentary affection from the most perfect creature in the world.

And that hurt in the most horrible of ways, because even if she didn't love me, I'd always love her. I would cling to the very fringes of life if she was still alive, even as she casts me aside. No matter what her true heart was making her do, I would still exist for her, from far, far away...

_You may feel alone when you're falling asleep  
And every time tears roll down your cheeks  
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet  
Someday you will be loved_

There is a hole in my chest, that exists in the realization that I will never hold her again, have her scent gracing my senses again. It is a pain I never knew imaginable, even as a human- humans feel much more physical pain than vampires do. It is always there, on the edge of being first and foremost of my thoughts. Sometimes it is.

When it is -and it is all too often to be bearable for long- I cannot think, I cannot breathe. My lungs won't obey my commands, my legs will not let me stand, and I sink to the ground or hunch over to clutch the ragged pieces of my body together. Does she know how much pain I'm in? Doe she ever think about me? Does she hate me, or even care that I exist? When the hole of blackness threatens to consume, I let my thoughts run rampant and call up every image and memory I have of her and let my soul take solace in having even just these.

The hole deepens then and I want to end but I won't- in that one, tiny hope, one tiny promise. We will exist together, pain and eternity and love unrequited. Still, even now, the strings of our existences intertwined- or so I believe to bring hollow comfort to myself.

I never deserved her and now I know. Human minds are weak and forgetful and, even as it drags diamond-edged razors under my skin, I know I will fade from her memory and she'll stop thinking of me.

Yes, she'll stop thinking of me and be happy.

Never have I hoped for and hated a notion so.

_You'll be loved you'll be loved  
Like you never have known  
The memories of me  
Will seem more like bad dreams_

Seeing her face and seeing her pain, knowing the danger I pose, unable to fend off the agony, my mind still has room to torture me in ways I can only deserve for every brief moment I had with her.

Daydreams are powerful things to vampires. We never sleep and therefore never dream but our minds are great and immense, always in the past, the present and the future. I can't really know what will happen, even with Alice nearby, but that doesn't stop my mind from wandering...

What would've happened if I'd stayed? Would I still be seeing her every day and every night? As I stand here, still in the silence that surrounds my kind, what would we be doing if I hadn't been strong enough to leave?

I'd be holding her and telling her how much I love her and need her and how I'd do anything to make her understand this. I'd kiss her fragile human lips and relish the blush in her cheeks and the glow in her eyes and the frantic fluttering of her hot, beating heart. I seal my eyes and bring back the memories as close to these daydreams as possible and hold myself together desperately. The ones where she may have loved me, the ones where she was still mine.

_Just a series of blurs  
Like I never occurred  
Someday you will be loved_

And then there are the daydreams that invoke terror and fury. The ones where Bella is doing something stupid and dangerous and there's nothing I can do to stop her.

The ones where I howl in rage and the glass in the windows around shatter from the sound as her delicate body flies through the air and her body is pinned beneath the screaming motorcycle.

The ones where I'm so scared that I tremble in the physical need to save her, protect her, a need stronger than the need for blood, as enemies from the real beginning of my existence -from after I met her- crouch to pounce and devour her.

The one where she sways on the edge of the cliff and the rain sweeps passed her and she closes her eyes... "I love you," she murmurs and doesn't realize she's said it. Her body tips forward and the cliff tosses her away. I'm screaming and she listens with bliss on her face. Why would my terror bring her joy? Maybe it's just my voice being there at all...

The ocean reaches up to grab her and keep her forever. The breath is pounded from her lungs and water rushes down her throat. _Edward_, she thinks and I know this can't be real because her mind is the only mind I cannot hear, but it seems so real...

"Bella," I choke out as I fall to my knees, crushing the palms of my hands into my eyes. Why won't this vision leave my head? Why must it torment me with the idea of B-Bella dying far away, cold and alone?

_You'll be loved, you'll be loved  
Like you never have known_

I can't take it anymore. I tried to save her, I tried to do what is right but my mind, body and damned soul cannot resist her pull any longer. She's so tiny and delicate, so warm and human, so beautiful and perfect, perfect, perfect...

She doesn't know how much I adore her, how much I need her to survive. If something doesn't change now, if I can't somehow escape the pain of her existing and knowing I can't be there with her, I will crawl back to her on my hands and knees, clutch the ground before her and beg her to forgive me.

I love her, I love her, I love her, dearest Bella Swan, and I can't escape it any longer. I will return to her and hope, maybe, she will let me spend my eternal life trying to mend the wounds I left behind. The gaping hole in my chest where she used to be will mend, and maybe, at least one more time, I can hold her close...

_  
The memories of me  
Will seem more like bad dreams_

Then beautiful, goddess Rosalie tells me in her vampire-music voice words that I understand instantly yet refuse to acknowledge for several moments. _She promised me_, I push desperately, at first in a burning whisper that begins to grow, at the universe, _She promised me she wouldn't. SHE PROMISED ME!_

Suddenly the burning ragged hole in my chest becomes perfect, icy separation, as clean a cut as a surgery done by the greatest doctor in the world (_probably Carlisle_, a track in the back of my head chimes in). I didn't know I was so close to death this whole. From the moment Bella and I realized our hearts were one, I never realized that as soon as she was gone, I'd be gone as well.

I cannot exist without her.

I will not exist without her.

_Just a series of blurs..._

I dispose of any contact with my beloved family. I hope they forget me soon. All the pain I've caused, am causing, will cause- they don't deserve to suffer.

The world holds no appeal to me anymore, knowing that she is not in it. What is color? What is music? If an afterlife awaits me, it will surely be the darkest, fiery depths of Hell. Claim me, fires, make me feel something...

Bella took whatever good of me remained with her into the sea. Maybe that's how I'll do it. Find a way for the water to take me so that we can close in it's icy depths- but I don't have enough time to figure that out. They're probably scouring the world for me now. Damn Alice's sight, can't they just let me figure out a way to die?

Fire. I could let myself burn somewhere, somehow. Just a prelude to what awaits me in true eternity...

Go into hostile vampire territory and challenge a coven, let them rip me apart and dispose of my body- No that'll take too long, they'll find me by then.

Rampage and devour the blood in the throats of these unsuspecting humans here and let the Volturi take me-

The Volturi.

I work my way there and beg them to destroy me. I am refused. I'm getting desperate here. I can't exist, I _can't_, without Bella, so how am I still alive? I consider killing humans in the Volturi's city until they come to destroy me but something stops me with a flash of guilt. Carlisle would be so disappointed in me...

I realize something with a jolt. I'll just walk out into the daylight and let it fragment off my skin in the most terribly taboo of ways. I'll wait for the sun to reach it's peak in the sky above and step into it's distant, fiery embrace. The fire, the fire awaits me...

_Like I never occurred..._

The thoughts and sounds around me are white noise, all a distant murmur like waves crashing onto the shore, like the waters that took sweet Bella. There's a family a few yards away from me, so happy, so oblivious. One of the children point me out but I'm a marble carving in the wall, steeped in shadows until just the right moment...

_Someday you will be loved..._

The bells are tolling. My moment of relief has arrived. I move and it's all over because she is here in my arms and my cold heart swells with incomprehensible joy. The hole is sealed seamless to my previous state of entirety. I hold her soft, warm body close and breath.

Oh God, why give me these moments of utter perfection? Why give your most perfect angel to a demon?

But I smile, because for one moment in eternity, I am holding her again. This must be heaven. Or my own personal hell. Either way, it doesn't matter. I press my lips to the hair on top of her head and murmur.

_Someday you will be loved._

"Amazing ... Carlisle was right."


End file.
